When something difficult happens, most men do one of two things: push the emotion down or get stuck replaying it in their heads. Neither one processes the emotional energy.
To actually process and release difficult emotions, you must move them through your body. The most effective way is a 4-part somatic technique:
This practice allows you to let the emotion go instead of holding on to it, so you can think clearly and take action from a centered place.
I think so many men are feeling lost, challenged, or frustrated in their lives because they're not actually able to feel and connect to their emotional body.
When something happens, they hold on to it, not able to process it, not able to let it go. They ruminate on it. They constantly go back and forth on it. I've been there myself—when something sticks and I can't let it go.
And if they do feel their emotional body, it's coming from a place of: "I shouldn't feel this way. I gotta show up as a man. I gotta stand up strong. I can't look weak." All these storylines that we tell ourselves about what it means to show up as a man.
I believe that if more men tuned in to who they are, they'd be in a lot better place—able to release the stagnant energy that's been holding them back for years.
This takes practice. It takes time to learn how to sit with an emotion and allow it to process through. But here's how you actually do this.
First—and this is important—you need space and time. If you're in the middle of something and you can't stop, don't force it. Put it away for now. You can come back to it later when you have the space.
When you do have space, tune into the sensation that is coming up in your body. You don't necessarily need to label the emotion, just tune in. What does it feel like? Where in your body are you feeling it? Is it in your chest? Is it in your belly? Your throat?
Just be with that sensation. Then, use the 4-part process.
Start by inhaling and exhaling through your mouth. This is different from "calm" breathing; this is for release. Notice what's coming up. Just tune in. What's arising in you?
Allow yourself to vocalize the feeling. This could be a simple hum, a deep grunt, or, if you're in a safe and private space, a yell or scream. Allow the vocal cords to express the energy.
This is a beautiful way to release. Shake your body. It might feel weird at first, but allow your arms, legs, and torso to shake out the tension. This is your nervous system's natural way of discharging trauma and stress.
After the breath, sound, and movement, just stop. Be still. Come into presence and just notice. How are you doing? How does your body feel now?
Trigger Warning: This section discusses the death of an animal and may be difficult for some readers.
This isn't just theory. This happened to me.
I was driving home after an amazing weekend with friends. Out of nowhere, a deer leaped in front of me and BAM! I hit it. I saw it fly in the air and land hard on the pavement. I pulled over and sat in my car, tuning into my emotions, feeling disbelief, shock, and racing thoughts.
It took me a good 3-4 minutes to process. As I sat there, I used the tools.
I allowed myself to breathe in and out through my mouth. As I continued to inhale and exhale, tuning into my body, I noticed my desire to shake (movement) and make humming sounds (sound).
I then started to feel the sadness and the pain, and I allowed tears to come down my face. I took a few more breaths and felt a lot more at ease and calm. I was present (presence).
I stepped out of the car to check on the deer. I noticed it twitch, but I could see no breathing and blood was coming from its side. I knew it had gone.
I allowed myself to go up to it, sat down next to it, and took a deep breath, noticing the sadness. I placed my hand on its back, still feeling its warmth, and I allowed myself to thank it for its life. To thank it for whatever karma or whatever reason it had come my way, and to release whatever I needed to release through its death.
I once again felt some remorse, but in that moment I said, "Thank you." I thanked it and I noticed the energy of holding on to what I had done just release. And I got up and walked back to my car.
I am really grateful for that process. I was able to release the emotion, feel it, shake it out, and leave it there, instead of bringing it with me.
This is the gift of release. Once I've released, I become so connected to who I am that I'm in a much more rational mind, a much more centered space instead of feeling the trauma of what happened. This is so potent and powerful.
The work that I help men with is exactly this: Can you come to a sense of yourself instead of being in the chaos of what life throws at you?
This is not about being "soft." It's actually about strength. To me, this is a deeper sense of strength than constantly pushing through. This is true strength: knowing how to tune in, to regulate your nervous system, to feel, to process an emotion, to let it go, and come to a space where you can take charge and take action in a new way.
The deer was a true teacher for me in learning that I was able to connect to who I am, feel my emotions, appreciate its life, and let that situation go.
For me, this is what true masculinity looks like.
Here's a challenge for you. What is it that you're not allowing yourself to feel?
How are you constantly pushing through an emotion and not really tuning into it?
The power of this breath-sound-movement-presence technique is that it truly allows you to come to a space where you can make profound choices—choices that can create more abundance, more connection, more sense of self. You will feel so good about who you are that the external world won't even matter because you feel so congruent in who you are.
Q: What if I can't do this in the moment? I can't just shake and yell at my desk.This is a great question. You are right. You can't. The key is to "bookmark" the feeling. In the moment, take one deep breath through your mouth and tell yourself, "I will deal with this tonight." Then, when you get home, or in your car, or somewhere private, intentionally bring the feeling back up and complete the 4-step process.
Q: How long does this take?The process itself can be as short as 60 seconds. The goal isn't to sit for an hour; the goal is to be intense and intentional for a few moments to let the "charge" or "stagnant energy" move.
Q: Why does this feel weak or "weird"?It feels weird because it's unfamiliar. Most men have been taught that strength means containing an emotion (like a steel box). This practice redefines strength as capacity—the ability to have a powerful emotion move through you without breaking you. The "weird" feeling is just your old programming being challenged.
If you want to learn more about this kind of work, join the Inner Edge Men's Community or reach out about one-on-one coaching.
